The Case of the Black Fist, Spiders in the Sperm and a Salamander in the Brainstem:
On Cellular Reprogramming in the Imaginal Domain
Fred Olsen. M.Div. Copyright, July 1993
Session Transcripts: Part I,
Part I includes a review of session one and two plus session 3 in its entirety.
May 12, 1993
The following transcript contains a summary of sessions 1 and 2 which were not recorded directly and session 3 in its entirety. Session lengths: 7.5 hours
The following is the third 2.5 hour session with Joan (name changed). Joan was referred to me by a Feldenkrais practitioner. The client had been diagnosed with a congenital condition in which Joan’s brain did not rise fully into her cranial cavity during her development. The problem was diagnosed when Joan requested that her physician check out what seemed to be a minimal condition. Her left foot drags slightly, causing her to trip on occasion irregularities in sidewalks, for example. She had, up to this time, adapted to the condition, without much interference in her life’s routines. Her physician referred her to a neurologist. The neurologist recommended surgery because he discovered an internal blistering along her spinal cord and brain stem. This surgery would involve opening her skull to make more space for the crowded brain stem which had developed too low in the skull. Joan preferred to work through alternative healing modes to avoid such a “radical” solution. This led to her working with the Feldenkrais practitioner who referred her to me as Joan has a vivid capacity to work with imagery.
I said that I would meet with her for a session but could not guarantee dramatic results. We would approach the work experimentally to see what surfaced. The following is detailed transcripts of the ensuing sessions.
A mutual intuition to record the first two sessions was thwarted by the lack of functional recording equipment. During the third session, which we finally recorded, we reviewed the images and progress occurring during and between the first and second sessions. We recorded the third, and following, sessions in their entirety. The following is the transcript of session three, on May 12, 1993.
J: I have two things to work on. My left leg is still dragging. There is no change at all. I've been keeping an eye (in the imagery) on the separation of the spinal cord from whatever it was hooked to before. It seems to have stayed separated.
Fred: Do you feel that in your body?
J: Not really.
F: It's mostly in the imagery?
J: Yeah. It's all in the imagery. I really don't feel like I'm freer in my hips or something, but I don't notice anything there. But up here in my neck, I see a lot of swelling. What I see is my neck and then I see the spinal cord growing almost to the very edge of the neck. It seems like it's swollen. I can't seem to do anything. I put a lot of energy there, but nothing seems to really help. So, that's what I'd like to work on.
F: What seems to have been beneficial? What are the results so far?
J: The cyst on my spinal cord is totally gone. I keep going back and keep looking at it. When we did the session and closed it up two pieces came together. A little string or line lower and above like this little dot. But everything is closed up and there is nothing there. And I keep checking, and there's nothing there. Before, I would see this big blister down my spinal column and it's absolutely gone. And when I had done the imagery, just the imagery myself before, I'd make it go away, but there was always this kind of gnawing that said “nah, I don't think it's really gone. You just think it's gone.” And uh, it really seems to be gone. Every time I look, it seems to be all healed and gone.
F: What do you recall of the sequence of imagery that we went through?
J: Let me think. I remember draining the blister with a siphon, and it all going away, and then that it was raw, and then putting a lot of blood in that area until the rawness just went away, went away, went away.
The images that are most vivid are looking at the spinal column and noticing. Wait a minute, there are several...
Seeing the spinal column was all tied down by spider webs down at the base and hacking away at the spider webs with a machete, and I was able to hack it away. It was really messy with all these spider webs everyplace. You asked me what caused the spider webs and I saw this spider in the comer. And uh, you asked me “where did it come from.” I had this vivid image. The spider was there. I didn't want to kill it.
F: I thought you did want to kill it.
J: I didn't want to kill it.
F: I thought at first you did. You were zapping it with your gun.
J: Yeah, I was trying to zap its web maker. I zapped it, but wasn't sure I'd stopped its web maker. I wanted to get rid of it and took it out to the wood pile. But then you asked me where it came from. It went all the way back to the sperm of my father. It was inside the sperm of my father. I saw this spider. It was amazing. It was so clear. It was so… It just happened. There it was.
Let's see what other images I remember. Oh, before we got to that, I remember when we started talking about the neck, you said, "Where did it come from?" The image that I saw was the egg being formed, the fetus being formed and then this little polyp growing that became the spinal column. That wasn't far enough back so that's how we got to my father's sperm. And then, what else do I remember from that first session?
F: What was the first image?
J: The very first image? I don't know.
F: I said, "Go to that place in your neck."
J: What did I see that first time? (pause) Oh! I saw a fist, a big black fist. That's right, a big black fist. Then you had me, you asked me what I wanted to do with it. I wanted to try to relax it, and I couldn't. I massaged it and I petted it and it got a little bit softer, but it never relaxed. Yeah! That's how we got down to the egg.
F: We did a whole excursion before that, after you saw the fist. It was tied to your age in the picture.
J: Oh yeah! In my stomach.
F: The four year old.
J: The four year old, dressed in a flowered dress, and chasing my brother and trying to grab him and him falling down and all the adults around accusing me of pushing him. Oh that's right. And then we went on this journey into this cave. The first time it was just a dark cave. I crawled into it and got to the other side where it was light and all green. The second time, I crawled into it and looked into this huge, like a valley. It reminded me of Yellowstone or the Grand Canyon. I went flying around. I looked around with my cousin and my aunt. My aunt didn't fly, but my cousin and I flew. It got dark and I put on a helmet with a light so I could see.
F: And that was where you found the freedom you were trying to find.
J: Uh huh.
F: That was your aunt. That was the one person who was supportive who could help you connect to trust.
J: That's right.
F: There was the image of the fist and then the four year old. We followed the four year old experience in the family and then inside the child to what the child needed. This led led to the cavern and the light and the canyon where you could fly, where you could get that sense of being free. Somehow, we came back after that whole excursion, back to the fist. Then we began the journey with the fist. It was more on an anatomical level to the spider webs. That was the bulk of the first session.
J: You have a good memory.
F: And then after that session, what was the feeling? What was the result?
J: I was concerned because the left side was stuck and I couldn't in my visualization...
F: It was bonded?
J: Yeah.
F: There was no differentiation between the parts.
J: Right! Right! And I kept in my visualization and meditation to unstick that. I got absolutely nowhere with it. Physically, I went to J (the Feldenkrais practitioner). She was amazed at how much had broken loose in the neck area. That there were some, the way she described it, there were some areas, I guess, that were just frozen that she was never able to get loose. She was able to make tremendous progress. And had a really,.we did some really deep tissue level stuff with her. Things are continuing to shift.
F: So that led to the second session when you wanted to get to that separation.
J. M hm.
F: And what do you recall from that?
J: That's when you had me go back and going back to my father's sperm was not far enough. We went all the way back to my grandfather's testicles where I saw spiders swimming around and sperm swimming around and they would bump into each other, and when they bumped into each other the spider would end up inside the sperm. So I tried to give them eyes so they wouldn't bump into each other. It worked for the spider, but I never saw sperm with eyes. So that didn't feel right. Then I tried to give the sperm a protective coating so the spider couldn't get inside. That sort of worked, but it didn't work. And then I don't remember. What I remember next is that I had this image of a panther, a black panther. It was like a friend. We started frolicking, rolling around and as we rolled, when we rolled, he'd be a panther. When we rolled again he'd be a lion and when we rolled again he'd be a panther. And I ended up with a panther and a lion. When we went back to my grandfather's testicles the spiders just went away, they just ran away. Then we went back and looked at the spinal column. It was separated. It was really nervous and tentative because it didn't have anything to hang onto.
This reminds me of something. At the beginning of that session, I looked at my neck and I saw my brain and brain stem and the spinal column and there was space in between. There was like a sunrise you could see the sun coming out on both sides. When I went back after it separated the space was closed. I could still see the sunlight on both sides, but the space between the brainstem and the spinal column was gone. I was trying to get the bottom part of my spinal column not to be so nervous because it was grounded at the top rather than down at the bottom. Just as I visualized if it got more comfortable and less tentative and more secure.
F: In the first session you were using bolsters.
J: Oh! That's right! That's right! Yup! That's right! I was trying to...
F: You were experimenting with different...
J: I was trying to get the spinal column to support itself to push itself up, so we tried bolsters. Then I tried like a wedge that you use to hold tree branches up when they have a lot of fruit on them and air bags. I finally settled on bolsters. During that week, when I was trying, when I was visualizing, I decided I didn't want to use the bolsters. What I really needed to do was just to get the spinal column stronger so it could support itself. I was making progress on that.
F: I thought you had the spiders and sperm both with eyes.
J: Yeah! I did. I put the eyes on the sperm, but they didn't like it.
F: And when they had eyes, then when they bumped into each other they didn't merge.
J: No! No! I did give them eyes, but I didn't, the sperm with eyes didn't make sense to me. (laughing followed by a long pause)
F: Are you in the first or second session?
J: I'm in the second session and I, after we did that, we did something else, and after that we did my uncle molesting me, but I can't remember what the one in between was.
F: Your father and your...
J. Oh! My father and my stepmother! Yes! Yes! And uh, how did we get there? Was it from this stomach again? I think it was.
F: There was a feeling of the current conflict with your step mother in relation to your father.
J: No, what I'm trying to think of is how we got there. What was I looking at when that came up? I think it was this feeling in my stomach. And, oh yeah, the issue I thought I had with my father which in the visualization we did. It's more what I had with my step mother. And got all the shoulds and ought tos related to the Japanese culture versus the American culture. And it helped me get, l don't know, all the things that came up. l thought about before. I'd rationalized it. But I didn't become settled in my gut, my soul. Being able to just say look at it...
F: You brought the cats in. When you brought them in you could take them to the house.
J: Right! Right! Right! And have the courage to tell her.
F: And then she aligned with you more easily when you had your power.
J: Mm hmm
F: But then your father was more threatened.
J: Mm hmm
F: By the cats.
J: He didn't feel comfortable with the cats.
F: There was something that shifted in your relationship to your step mother.
J: Uh huh
F: When you were in your power, you could say who you were. You were from a different culture. There seemed to be a shift.
J: Yeah.
F: Was there anything else? There was something that was still unsettled in your body that was moving around. It was a ball or something. It was illusive and hard to track.
J: I remember that.
F: And that was what led you to your....
F: My uncle molesting me, and the cat didn't work to get him away from me, so you asked me who in my life
could help me and I said my husband. And I put him in the picture. That gave me protection because my uncle wouldn't do anything to me when somebody else was around.
F: And how has that all held up?
J: Good! I'm totally different, a much more, I really think the deal with my uncle is over. I don't think I'm going to have to go through that one again (emphasis). I think that one's over.
I think there's some more work I need to do with my father, but it's taken that whole triad relationship with my father and stepmother and myself and moved it to another level. You know, I've been stuck in this one level for years. You know, of just really being angry at him, thinking that he could have taken care of this and he didn't. It shifted it to where the issues were really with her. I think there are still issues with him, but I don't think they're big ones. I think they're ones I can handle. I don't even know what they are.
F: In some ways they are not issues specifically with her, but with who you are with the culture.
J:. Yes! Right! Right! That's right.
F: So that's where the shift is. It’s like stepping out of the submerging of the two cultures that were bonded in a dysfunctional way. It's like separating and then stepping up and bringing them back.
J: Yeah. I think where I was working before was like, you know, I mean, I knew on an intellectual level they were different, but emotionally, I was going "yeah, but you should be able to get these together. You should know enough about the culture that you could be responsive to what she needed. And you're not sensitive enough"...and all the junk like that (laughing).
F: Trying to accommodate and merge right in, rather than stand in your power and relate.
J: From who I am! Yeah.
F: So, that's sort of where we left off.
J: Mm hmm
F: And what's happened since?
J: Uhh, to be honest, I haven't really done much on the conscious level because we've been moving. I have seen J. again. She didn't notice anything. I thought she'd find something like in the hip area, but she didn't. She didn't say there wasn't, but I'm sure she would have said if there was, because I told her about that part of the session. She continued to get significant stuff out of my neck. You know, major moves again in the neck area. Physically, I can't say that I felt anything different. As I said, the blisters still are gone. The spinal column on the bottom is still unattached. It's still real tentative down there. Up at the neck area, sometimes I can see that space still between the brain stem and the spinal column but I can make it go away. So there's nothing. I guess the most significant thing in the visualization is that before I was paying a lot of attention to the blister and then between the first and second session, I spent a lot of time down where it was stuck. The first thing that I see is the neck area and the swelling there. So I want to work on that and then the dragging of my leg. It hasn't changed at all. And when I do the visualization on the leg, it goes tssch right back up to the neck. You know, it says that's the source.
F: That's where it's at. Okay, let's go there. What do you see?
J: I see a vertebra, and then I see the spinal cord. It's almost smack up against the vertebrae. There is no space at all between the vertebra and the spinal cord.
F: So the vertebrae are closed in on the spinal cord?
J: Yeah! Where the spinal cord is pushed out to the vertebra.
F: So the spinal cord is swollen. And what's that look like? What color is it? What...
J: It's kind of golden brown colors, with shadows. It's sort of the colors, there's no orange in it. It's sort of like sunset, browns, gold. There's no bright orange.
F: Is the feeling that the space is right and the spinal cord is expanded so there isn't enough space?
J: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
F: What distance are you from it as you're watching?
J: Real close. It’s like about as close as when you're reading a book but the book is a little too close. Pretty close.
F: How big are you? How old?
J: I'm my age. It's now.
F: And what are you wearing?
J: All I can get is what I'm wearing today. Sweatshirt and a jean skirt.
F: And the you who is very close to the spinal column, what are you feeling?
J: I'm concerned and curious. There's no fear. It's more curiosity.
F: Where do you feel the curiosity?
J: In my heart area.
F: When you go there, what do you see?
J: Sort of dark, but it’s cold. It’s more like a dark piece of paper.
F: Hmm, so you see the dark piece of paper.
J: Mm hmm.
F: How big is it?
J: About the size of a big salad plate.
F: Is it round like that?
F: It's not perfectly round. It's oblong and round.
F: How far are you from the paper?
J: I'm looking down at it close.
F: What would you like to do with it?
J: Wad it up and throw it away.
F: Can you do that?
J: Yeah, I think so.
F: You're not sure.
J: No, when I do that, now I see it's all dark on this side of my body (indicating left side). It’s all dark.
F: What about the other side.
J: It's fine. It's light. I cansee it. The darkness rises up from my waste and goes over my shoulder.
F: And that's all dark? Is that like a dark space or a dark object?
J: It's dark space, (hesitating). No, the object is dark. It's like there was a flood light and the flood light went out. The light, there's no light there.
F: Okay. What would you like to do?
J: Maybe I can move the flood light.
F: What happens when you do that?
J: I can see. Now I see.
F: What's that look like?
J: It's bare skin. The flood light's kind of warm. I have no breast. It’s like flat. There's nothing there. I see the shoulder. There’s nothing here. I can't see under the arm. It's gone. There’s nothing there.
F: There's a whole part of you that's missing.
J: Mm hmm.
F: Do you have a sense of when it disappeared? Can you travel back through time to when it disappeared?
J: I keep going back to when I was a teenager, preteen, the four year old. It's not there.
F: It's not there at any point?
J: No. Let me do it again. We'll go the other way. It's there when I'm a baby. When I'm four, it's gone.
F: So, sometime between a baby and four, you lost your left side.
J: Mm hmm.
F: Can you go to the baby when you have it?
J: Mm hmm.
F: What's that feel like?
J: Two things. One, I feel real free. The other is I feel very dependent. Huh, in conflict.
F: Free and dependent.
J: And dependent. Yeah.
F: How is that for you?
J: Yucky. I think I feel more dependent than free. (laughs)
F: Pretty normal for a kid. (laughs)
J: I think that's why it's yucky. I have the image of a little baby on its back going with its legs and arms going up and down. It’s not crying, but just not going anywhere, not communicating, using up a lot of energy and nothing happening.
F: So as you move forward in time from there, what happens?
J: I'm going to it’s like where you first learn to walk. It's already gone. Yeah.
F: So go back to where you have it
J: Mm hmm.
F: Move forward in time slowly.
J: Sitting up. It’s just sitting up.
F: Still have it?
J: When I can roll over, I still have it. I sit up, hmmm.
F: Is there some density or feeling in that period that comes up for you?
J: I can't get anything.
F: So there's a block in that period.
J: That's got to be like less than a year and probably not more than 6 to 8 months old.
F: Can you sense what was happening in your life at that time?
J: At that time, we were living in Montana. My folks aren’t allowed to come back to California. That's during the second world war. My dad's working on a sugar beet farm in Montana. There's a couple of other … I just learned this recently. There were a couple of other young fellows, I guess, that lived with my mom and dad on the farm while they worked in the sugar beets. They were basically like farm laborers who lived in farm labor housing. It was real cold, I know. Then they went back to the camps. I was between one and two years old when they went back to tie camps after that.
F: During this period you're living with your parents on a sugar beet farm in Montana as farm laborers and it was cold.
J: It was the only place my father could work, maybe not the only place, but there were not many places he could work because his family was in the camps and they were allowed to get out of the camps because there weren't enough farmers. All the men were off to war.
F: What was the emotional experience in your family at the time?
J: Well, my father, it’s real tough because no one talks about it. My father, he's alive and still suffers from trying to prove that he's a good American citizen. He’ll do it until his dieing day. He and my mother met in the camps and were married. He's always been seen as a civic leader of his generation. My mom, she was always kind of an anchor, you know, keeping the fires burning. She made sure he didn't neglect his family obligations at the expense of his civic responsibilities. But the way they tell it, and they are notorious for only talking about the good, they just made the best out of a bad situation within the confines of whatever it was they had. They had fun and they didn't have any money, obviously. I would guess the emotion, there was a lot of shame and a lot of guilt and suppression of repressed anger and I'm told that my father was just hell bent on getting out of the camps before I was born. He didn't want to have a child that had a relocation camp as the place of birth.
F: And he accomplished that.
J: Yeah, I'm feeling this tremendous, like there was a frenetic is perhaps too strong, but real drive tomake the best of a tough situation, you know, constantly striving to make things as good as they could make them.
F: So, when you feel that feeling, where do you feel it?
J: I feel it more in my stomach, my lower stomach, some in my chest.
F: What's that look like where that feeling connects to you?
J: I can't see the one in my stomach, in my chest there is a big shadow.
F: What's the shadow look like?
J: It's the picture of an upside down check mark. It's up-side-down.
F: Where are you in that picture?
J: I'm in front of it. It's tall, like a building.
F: Do you have an age?
J: Young kid, younger than four, probably three.
F: What are you doing?
J: I'm just standing there looking at this picture of the check.
F: What would you like to do?
J: Climb up it, I think.
F: Can you do that?
J: Mm hmm.
F: What happens when you climb the check?
J: I'm a different age, I mean, there's this little three year old still down there. As I climb up it, I'm a teenager. The three year old is watching.
F: Okay.
J: I'm a teenager as I climb up it.
F: What was happening when you were that age?
J: Teenager? I lost my virginity. I Fell in love with a guy my folks didn't like. I rebelled in a nutshell.
F What happened?
J: What else did I do as a teenager? I did everything. I was really active. Band, cheerleader, vice president of the student body, president of the girls honor society-all kinds of stuff. I got good grades.
F: You were really climbing then.
J: Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I was getting pretty good grades too.
F: You were just checking it off. You were also a rebel. How does it feel?
J: Oh, invigorating. I can do anything.
F: How's the three year old feeling about that.
J: The three year old is in awe about it, and scared because it's so high up, fascinated by it. in awe by it all.
F: What's happening between the teenager and the three year old?
J: The three year old is definitely paying attention to the teenager and the teenager has no clue that the three year old is even watching.
F: Okay.
J: Now she's looking down at her. She’s talking to her, trying to sooth her, so she doesn't, so she's not scared.
F: Does that work?
J: No.
F: What's the three year old need?
J: The three year old wants to climb the check. That's one thing or for the teenager to come down and hold her hand
F: Okay.
J: It’s easier for the teenager to come down and hold her hand.
F: It's easier?
J: Yup.
F: Is that possible?
J: Mm hmm, then the three-year-old is fine.
F: So then, what is the relationship between the teenager and the three year old?
J: The teenager takes care of the three year old. The three year old wants to be with the teenager and loves the teenager. It's not like the tree year old wants to.... It's a wholesome relationship. It's not like the teenager feels like the three-year-old is dragging her down. The three-year-old doesn't feel like the teenager always has to be there. It's a loving, mutual relationship.
F: So it feels good and supportive and nurturing?
J: Hmm, the check turned into a rainbow.
F: Ahhh, okay.
J: It's not a check anymore.
F: So you feel the difference?
J: The check fades in a little bit. The rainbow looks like a rainbow and then it looks sort of like a check and then it goes back to looking like a rainbow.
F: When it turns into a rainbow, what happens in your body?
J: Oh, it gets more relaxed. The check is like there are demands. One gets tense. Expectations.
F: Kind of like obsession?
J: Yeah. Drive, obsession. The rainbow feels freer. There's freedom. There's hope.
F: What happens to that left side of your body?
J: Still no breast. It comes in and out but mostly it's out.
F: There's a slight shift. Can you connect to the feeling between the three year old and the teenager?
J: The three year old is gone.
F: Where did the three year old go?
J: I don't know.
F: Still have the rainbow?
J: Yup!
F: How old are you there now?
J. Still a teenager (long pause) I wonder where she went (long pause). I can see her if I take the teenager out of the picture. I can see her looking at the rainbow.
F: Okay.
J: If I bring the teenager into the picture, she becomes the teenager. That's what happens. I bring the three-year-old, the teenager goes away. I bring the teenager and the three-year-old goes inside the teenager. That's what happens.
F: So the three-year-old gets incorporated?
J: Yup, but it doesn't go the other way. When I bring the three-year-old out, the teenager disappears POOF! But when I bring the teenager in, the three-year-old merges into the teenager.
F: And when the three year old becomes incorporated into your body, what happens in your body when you have the rainbow energy?
J: In the picture, I see the three-year-old and there's this beam of light that goes into the teenager right through the heart area.
F: Uh huh.
J: And the teenager forms. I can't really say I feel it.
F: But you see the formation. In the left side, what does that formation took like, where the darkness is/was?
J: There's a bright light. It's like an outline. The bright light doesn't go all the way through. It stops at the back.
F: What happens when it gets to the back?
J: It just stays in the body. It sort of spreads out in the body.
F: Through the whole body?
J: Mm hmm.
F: So the darkness isn't there now, right? Do you have a breast now?
J. Fading in and out, it’s more in than out.
F: So when you take that beam of light and the merging of the teenager and the three year old, will that move backward toward the six month old child?
J: Mm hmm.
F: What happens when you move that back?
J: Just a little speck of light. It moved inside. It starts as a speck of light. The beam moves through the three-year-old and back up to the teenager.
F: Is there still a dark side missing from the six-month-old?
J: The six-month-old has it as long as the spark of light is there.
F: When you move it forward, is there any part of the body that's missing?
J: In the three year old, it's there. In the teenager, I can't see cause the beam of light is so bright.
F: Hmm
J: I think it's there.
F: Is the beam of light too bright?
J: No. It's real bright, but its okay(long pause). The breast is back in me. I can see it(long pause).
F: I'm missing a clue. We went into your body. What was the picture?
J: We started here at the neck where there was the swelling and...
F: You were standing behind it.
J: Yeah.
F: I asked "where in your body and what did you feel?" You said "curiosity" and went into your body and you found that dark place. Okay, so you're standing behind yourself now, in that same, or whatever, location. Do you still have that beam of light in the side of yourself?
J: You mean while I'm looking at my neck?
F: Yes, does that teenager, with the three-year-old, with the spark of life from the six-month-old project forward to the person watching you from behind.
J: I don't know exactly, but what I see is... You mean to take the beam of light from the teenager to me now. Is that what you’re saying.
F: Yeah. Does that, now that you've worked out that part with the three-year-old, the six-month-old and the teenager, does that carry forward to the present? Does that carry forward?
J: Well, the beam of light becomes just a huge light on all of me and it's not focused anymore.
F: Okay, and do you now have or not have that left side?
J. I have it.
F: So your body is complete as you're standing there looking at the back of your neck.
J: Actually, now, I'm looking at it from the front.
F: You're looking at it from the front now. And what's it look like? What's the spinal column look like now?
J: I can still see the vertebrae and the spinal column. It's an image of a bowl. It stops, like here's the vertebra and then it kind of sits. There's like a bowl, a dark bowl. But it's not the spinal cord. It's supposed to go down, but it seems like a bowl at the top.
F: How is that different from before?
J: Before, I could just see the whole spinal cord and it was pushed up against the vertebra at the top. There's this bowl. Then, underneath, I think its shrunk down underneath that.
F: OK. So below the bowl, the lower portion is shrunk. That's a shift. That's new.
J: Yeah, so it's just the top now. There's this bowl right at the top.
F: And what's the feeling in you as you watch that?
J: The bowl? (long pause)
F: Or, what do you want to do?
J: Fill it up with ice and ice water, and that's cold. Forget that. (laughter) hmmm turn it upside down and hammer it out. That hurts too much.
F: What's the bowl look like?
J: It's real smooth.
F: What's it made out of?
J: It's like. I'm not sure what it's made out of, but it's like a rawhide, a saddle, but it’s more supple.
F: So it's supple, almost like rawhide.
J: Round.
F: Is there anything in it?
J: No.
F: So it's empty.
J: Mm hmmm.
F: What does it need from you?
J: I don't know. Just like a thing, it doesn't give anything back, say anything, or...
F: How do you respond? What's your response to that thing that's just there but doesn't respond?
J: I want to take the edges and pull it up like that, tie it and carry it away to the garbage can.
F: Okay, what happens when you do that?
J: I have the image that the sides just collapse in.
F: Sides of what?
J. The spinal cord. They were swollen out here and they just sort of collapsed back in.
F: Okay, what happens when they collapse in?
J: The swelling went away.
F: Okay, what's it look like now?
J: It's a little more swollen at the top, but not as bad as when the bowl was there. The swelling is down. There's more space between the spinal cord and the vertebrae. At the top, there's more swelling.
F: More than before?
J: No. More than down below where there isn't any. There’s less than before.
F: We've worked our way up, so let's look at that swollen part now right at the top. What do you see?
J: It's dark, it's black, it's um, a lot of liquid there, but not like puss or something like that. It's just body fluid, I think.
F: It’s dark?
J: It reminds me of when you get a tooth pulled and your gums are swollen. There's these little ridges around where the tooth was. That's what it looks like on the top, but it's dar, it's black.
F: What does that need?
J: I just put some ice on it. Ice makes it feel better. The swelling won't go down, but it makes it feel better. (pause) It It’s going down, it's going down, it's down!
F: So the ice worked. Now scan the whole column and tell me what you see.
J: Something funny, because it's like shriveling up at the top. Something went wrong here.
F: The rest is okay?
J: Mm hmm, the bottom's still disconnected. It's a little tentative, but it's disconnected The blisters are still gone. Good. It's good except right at the top, the last six to eight inches. It's kind of shriveling up.
F: So what does it need?
J: Blood.
F: Can you bring blood to it?
J: Mm hmm (long pause)
F: What happens when you bring blood to it?
J: It comes back, but I have this uneasy feeling that if I don't keep concentrating on bringing blood there, it will shrivel up again.
F: So what needs to happen for the blood to flow there by itself, naturally?
J: Hmm, what I get is to put a pump there. but pumps break down, so that's not a very good solution. I want to connect it back up to the rest of the brainstem. It's been separated for some reason.
F: You see the place of separation?
J: It's a, there's two pieces, there's white in the background. I just need to pull it together, bring blood to it. I can see them go together.
F: You can bring them together?
J: Yup, yup, yup. They're together.
F: What happens when they come together?
J: It's swelling again. It's a different kind of swelling though.
F: How is it different?
J: Well it's not like swelling. Now it's like it's just too big. Okay, this is what I get. Here's the spinal column the cord is inside and it's not swollen. It's just fine. Then, I get to the brainstem. It's just big. It's not swollen, it's just big. But it doesn't belong in the spinal column anyway, so that's okay, but it's just big.
F: Bigger than it should be?
J: I think so. I don't know if it's bigger than it should be or if it's just got to be pushed up.
F: Which?
J: How to push it up. I can't do anything about how big it is. I’ve just got to push it up.
F: Can you do that?
J: No, uhm, nope. I’m trying to just push it up and it won't go.
F: What does it need in order to go up?
J: It needs something to lift it up from the top of the skull. I put big straps around and pulley it up.
F: Does that work?
J: Well, that pulls it up, but there's a lot of stress on both sides when it is being Iifted up
R What's causing the stress?
J. Just the weight of it.
F: Is there something that would work more easily?
J: If I stood on my head, it would just go down, the brain stem would go down with the weight of the gravity. It would be upside down.
F: So that's what happens when you stand on your head?
J: It floats up to where it ought to be. I think it's bigger than it ought to be. The spinal cord stays skinny.
F: What does the brain stem need to come back to its normal size?
J: It's like it needs to go on a diet. There's just too much mass there that's not of any use.
F: Okay.
J: It's like when you've got a chicken carcass, right in the cavity, beside the leg, there is always this glob of fat you can pull out. It's like that kind of fat, only it's not fat. It's more a mass. It has no value. It's not like there are any nerve endings in there.
F: So this is extraneous mass.
J: Right, I know that's what I said, but I just can't go in there and hack it off (long pause). It's like a hand that has real thick fingers. The fingers don't need to be that thick, but they are.
F: What does this need in order to go down in size?
J. I don't know.
F: Okay, let's go back in time again.
J: Okay.
F: To when this swelling started and the growth of the mass began.
J. I'm back to the sperm and egg connecting.
F: So what's that look like now?
J: Hmm, the sperm and egg connect and then there's a little polyp that starts growing. That's my brain, and right underneath my brain is this thing. It's okay so far. I already had it when I was born.
F: So what are the factors or conditions that created this before you were born? (long pause)
J: It's not that there are too many cells, it's that the cells are too big.
F: Okay, see where they begin to be too big.
J: Right from the beginning, as soon as it starts, they're too big.
F: What are the conditions there?
J: I can hear my mother's heart beat, it's wet. I can hear the muffled sounds of whatever is going on outside my mother. Now they're growing, not too, they're growing okay, not too big yet.
F: What's changing?
J: The sound of my mom's heartbeat seems to keep them under control.
F: What was happening that was different that caused them to be out of control?
J: Fear.
F: Her fear?
J: Yeah!
F: Can you connect to that fear?
J: I can see war camp fears, hmmm, fear of the unknown. Powerlessness, degradation impotence.
F: So what do you need in the face of all this fear? (long pause) What does your mother need?
J: First thing I get is just to be held. I guess that's not enough. She needs to be free back in California on the farm. Ahhh, she needs to be back on the farm before the war, just going back after the war doesn't work. She still carrys it around.
F: Is it possible for her to go back to the farm before the war?
J: Mm hm.
F: What happens when she does that?
J: The cells go back to normal size (long pause). I'm not sure. I want to do this again. I don't think I want to take her back to the farm. I just think I want her to just be with dad in their own way on my grandparent’s farm. Let's see how that goes. l'm feeling stuff. I'm having a hard time because I'm feeling stuff in my neck right now.
F: Hmm, what's happening?
J: Just getting really relaxed. All the tension and pressure that's been there is just going away in my neck and shoulders. There’s a lot of heat and warmth.
F: What's that look like?
J:Its kind of golden browns, earth tones, shadows. I see bright lights coming down my arms and my spinal cord and vertebra. There is still a little swelling.
F: Hmmm.
J: It's getting better. Swelling is going down. More and more-keeps going down. Now they come together. Bridge. Too much. Too big.
F: Has it changed any?
J: Mm hmm. It's kind of squished. It's about the same with the round but not as long.
F: Your spinal cord is still okay?
J: Yeah, I'd say they're a little swollen, but very little.
F: What's happening around your feelings inside your mother?
J: She's still scared, not as scared, but she's still scared.
F: What does she need?
J: She needs to get out of the camps. Hmmm, she needs the freedom to move around. She needs to be away from my grandmother. She needs for my dad to pay more attention to her, that's it.
F: What can happen to help her with that?
J: My dad can get her out of the camps and away from my grandmother.
F: Okay
J: That's not enough, hmm, I think she needs this suit of armor around her or something. I have this image of taking this fire hose and washing out her brain so she can't think back on all that happened, in getting to the camps and in the camps, just sort of washing that all out.
F: That's something you can do?
J: Mm hm. It doesn't work.
F: Has she passed on?
J: Yes.
F: Okay, do you see her now?
J: Mm hmm.
R: What's the picture?
J: Hmm, she's in this black dress. She's about maybe 32, something like that.
F: What's the setting?
J: She's got her arms down at her side like this, like she's got two kids, one in each hand, but I don't see the kids. She's by herself.
F: Where are you seeing her from?
J: I'm looking at her, she's kind of off to my right. She can't see me.
F: What do you want to do?
J: I want to help her because she seems like she's all alone, taking care of these two kids.
F: what do you want to do now?
J: I guess I could take one of the kids and carry one of the kids. That doesn't help her very much, though.
F: What do you want to share with her?
J: I miss her(expressing a lot of emotion)
F: You see her there?
J: Yeah.
F: Where are you in the picture now?
J: Same place.
F: What do you need in order to communicate to her?
J: She doesn't see me.
F: What needs to happen for her to see you?
J: I don't know, I walk over in front of her, but she can't see me.
F: So what do you need in order for her to see you?
J: I don't know, calling to her doesn't work. Oh, if I just touch her.
F: What happens when you touch her?
J: She looks over, she looks over and then looks back. So I get her attention, but I don't think she can see me yet.
F: So what do you do next?
J: Hmm ,if I hold her by both shoulders, now she can see me. Now she can see me.
F: What's happening?
J. We're just hugging each other.
F: Okay, what happens as you hug each other.
J: We're just both crying, (lots of release) I'm saying, I wish I could be with you and she's saying she wishes she could be with me(crying).
F: Can you acknowledge that you're each with each other right now?
J: Yeah!
F: How's it feel?
J: It feels warm and good (crying). We're just starting to talk and laugh. It's funny because there's still two kids there.
F: What are they doing?
J: They're still holding her hand, then they're just kind of crawling around making it hard for two adults to have conversation. (laughing)
F: What would you like to do with the kids?
J: I'll take one home, and anyway we can both be just a little distracted, but that's alright. We really don't have much to say to each other.
F: So it's more feeling?
J: Yeah, like she knows everything I know and I know everything she knows. It's nice to be near each other.
F: Okay.
J: There's tremendous strength, (long emotional release)
F: What happens to you in this connection, in this meeting?
J: I get in touch with this longing that I wasn't really aware of. Hmm, I meet her as a peer, as an adult, as opposed to a mother and a child. I become aware of her wisdom that I have. I'm coming to this longing to be with her, just to be with her, because we don't have anything to say to each other.
F: How is she responding to this meeting?
J: Hmm, she's very warm and she likes it. She doesn't need to say anything. She is pretty preoccupied with these two kids.
F: Okay, what would you like to do with the preoccupation?
J: Nothing, it's alright.
F: What would you like to do, or say, about the fears she had when she was conceiving you?
J: Uhm, I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I wish it didn't happen. It must have been pretty awful. It was really terrible it happened to you. If it had been a generation later it wouldn't have happened. We wouldn't have let it happen. Ohh, You did the right thing. You did all you could do. We go a lot wiser about civil rights than we did before. It all worked out alright, so you didn't really have to grieve. Nothing happened to anybody. I mean, nobody got killed. Everybody came out basically whole, though maybe not emotionally. Everybody came out physically whole, anyway. You can't tell her not to be afraid.
F: What happens when you bring that future awareness to her?
J: She gets a little more relaxed about it, but she also knows that you never know what mass hysteria brings. You really can't guarantee. But a lot of the fear goes away. In fact, maybe all of it goes away.
F: For her?
J. Mm hmm.
F: What happens when the fear disappears?
J: She gets relaxed.
F: How is it when she's relaxed?
J: She's kind of mellow, she's centered and down to earth.. Yeah. She's not… Yeah, just calm and centered and contained.
F: So do you feel that?
J: Yeah.
F: What happens when you take that feeling backward in time?
J: The brainstem is still too big.
F: Is there anything that's shifted?
J. Let’s see, maybe it’s not bigger. I'm going through the ages here. I'm back in my own body because I can feel stuff going on.
F: Physical stuff?
J: Mm hmm.
F: What's happening?
J: It feels like the brainstem is shrinking, or it's draining.
F: What's it look like?
J: It was expanded like this wide funnel and now it's more like this narrower funnel. Hmm, for some reason, I can see navy blue as the color, with a little white.
F: The color of the brainstem?
J: Mm hmm, It seems like it just gets smaller and smaller, but at the same time, it's draining down.
F: What's draining?
J: I don't know, all the excess mass. It's not like liquid draining.
F: Just the feeling of things going down?
J: The spinal column is still small, spinal cord is still small. I'll go back and see what I can see now. The baby, one image shows it's still big, the other shows it's normal.
F: Parallel images?
J: No, first one, and then the other.
F: They're alternating?
J: Yeah.
F: What's the feeling of these two images?
J: The normal one is calm and the big one is getting harder to keep in focus.
F: So the normal image is holding and the other is harder to hold?
J: Mm hmm.
F; Okay.
J: If I'm one year old, it's normal. if I'm four years old, it's normal. If I'm a teenager, it's normal. It's me now, I think it's normal. I still feel this shrinking going on.
F: Inside?
J: Inside, yeah.
F: Can you see it?
J: It's kind of grey. It's more of a feeling. I can't really see it. I think we better stop though. Heavy stuff today.
F: All the sessions have been deep.
J: I can still feel stuff going on in my neck, like it's tingly. There's movement. There's lots of energy there, and uhm, things are shrinking. It feels like an astringent has been applied.
